one resolution.

along with about six gazillion other people, i have a resolution this year. 

i want to lose weight.  i need to lose weight. 

this is going to be a long post ... but i want to get it all out.

opening up about this on my blog is going to be something new.  usually my weight is the one thing i like to NOT talk about.  sure, i joke about being chubby, but it is no joke.  i'm sick of it.  i've dealt with my weight for as long as i can remember.  insanity!

in high school, i always thought i was chubby.  i had a bit of a belly and some thighs (that i can remember).  i looked at my friends and they were all mostly stick thin.  i was super self-concious back then.  i really don't know why.  i played volleyball and ran track.  i also managed the football and hockey teams, but i don't think that helped my waistline (hello concession stand).  i was active.  looking back ... i think i was smoking crack in my sleep, because i was NOT FAT.  seriously, as a sophomore i wore a size 3 prom dress.  like seriously, it must have been some wicked crack i was smoking.

in college, i lived with my best friend, hollie.  you think i might have taken a few clues from her and ate decent and worked out.  she ate things like alfalfa sprouts and tofu (or do i remember that wrong h?).  i ate things like white rice and spaghetti (or other 'easy' things to cook).  oh hey, and there was pizza!  and vending machines at college!  and fast food on every corner!  plus, i spent a lot of time at home talking on the phone to my boyfriend ... nonetheless with a snack sitting next to me.  hollie was on a college basketball team.  the closest i got to working out in college was walking up the stairs to my apartment.  dude, i put on weight in college.  i remember standing on the scale in my room in college and looking at the number in between my toes and starting to cry.  but i didn't do anything about it.  except maybe go eat another cookie.

my last semester in college, i moved home.  it wasn't as easy to just fill my face there so i think that might have helped, but i was still chunky.  after i finished college, i got a great job.  my husband (then boyfriend) also had landed a good job and together, we bought our house.  a few months later, we were engaged.  i think i tried losing some weight before my wedding, but i can't even remember if i did.  from the looks of my horrific wedding pictures, i would guess NOT.

the first time i got really serious about losing weight was when i joined weight watchers in 2005.  i lost 18 pounds and felt the best i had in a long time.  i was wearing clothes that i probably wouldn't have normally wore.  i actually owned a few bikini's (even if i wasn't stick thin, i was still much more confident).  i felt good.  then ... i got pregnant with tucker.  it was planned ... and i just told myself that losing that weight would make this a healthier pregnancy.  after having tucker in march 2006 (seven weeks early), i dropped the the 'baby weight' in less than four months.  i was so freaking happy about that.  so happy, that i must have celebrated it by eating.  and eating.  and eating.  my weight crept back up. 

i lost about ten pounds before my best friends wedding in may 2009.  i was only ten pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight ... but it felt like much more than that. 

during the summer of 2009, i somehow became the heaviest i had ever been.  when i stepped on the scale, i wanted to break the damn thing into a million little pieces.  i knew i was not in a good place physically and mentally.  i did the south beach diet long enough to lose 15 pounds and then ... i got pregnant with levi.

after i had levi in may of 2010, i got back down to my pre-pregnancy weight within about six months, but my body was forever changed.  the chub had shifted into different places.  things didn't fit the same as they did before.  i wore my spanx, but probably should have tried to wear two pair.  i felt horrible. 

that puts me where i am now.  about a month ago, i had a 'snowman moment'.  i can't even believe i'm going to share this story.  the boys and i were getting ready one morning in my room.  i have three snowmen on my dresser (a tall skinny one, a medium normal one, and a short round one).  as i was changing levi and talking to tucker, he started listing off who was which one (can you tell where this is going?).  he told me that dad was the tall one.  he was the medium one.  and i was the fat one.  yeeeeah.  i laughed with him, but on the inside i knew just how much of a sad truth it was.  i didn't want to be that fat snowman anymore. 

i have a few things going right now that will hopefully help me reach my goal. 

the first is the fact that weight watchers is starting back up where i live.  for a long time, we have not had a leader here and the closest meeting was a 30 minute drive.  i am so excited to have my first weigh in next week and learn about the new pointsplus system.  weight watchers has worked for me in the past and for so many others i know.  those who are also doing it will be a fantastic support system too!  i was talking to a friend that was there and she said 'i'm SICK of getting dressed every morning and wanting to go jump off the bong bridge afterwards'.  girl, i hear you.  i want to get rid of that feeling too!

the second is the biggest blogging loser challenge.  i've been reading jennie's blog for a long time and when i seen she was starting this contest, i was pumped.  i had done something like this before and it helped me hold myself accountable.  i have already found new 'losers' that are just as excited as i am and are a great source of encouragement.  obviously it would be rockin' to win the money at the end ... but coming away lighter and happier will also be a nice prize as well.  oh, who am i kidding ... the money would ROCK MY WORLD.  :)

there is one other thing that has totally inspired me too.  my favorite photographers ... bobbi + mike ... have put the 'healthy train' in motion (here is a link to all the posts on their blog).  bobbi has been on a mission to lose weight and has invited her fans along with her.  she's done the 'train' a few times, but i've never joined in.  bobbi has lost a huge percentage of weight and looks fabulous.  i love that she recently got in front of the camera with her smokin' hot hubby, mike, as a sort of reward for looking so awesome.  she is such an inspiration.  if and when she does the healthy train again, i'm on it.  dude, my ultimate dream would be to lose weight, look and feel fabulous and then have bobbi + mike take our family pictures.  because i've never taken family pictures.  why?  see above.  isn't that sad?

so, there you have it.  i have a lot of things i want to do this year, but only one resolution.

i resolve to lose weight. 

it would be really nice to lose a good chunk before i turn 30 in june too. 
so, body, if you're listening ... help me out a little, please? 

i hope that now i shared all of this with all of you ... i don't fall flat on my face.  and dude, even if i do, i can keep trying.  because i know i will never succeed if i never try.  :)

Comments

[susan weinroth]

oh jenny! you can TOTALLY do it. ww was fabulous for me after evan was born. and it took me EIGHTEEN freakin months after he was born to admit that i needed it. (i'm so glad i'm starting it again so much sooner after noah) whatever you do, do not beat yourself up. you WILL get there... thanks for sharing this post. i'm so right there with you, too. ;)

[Tara]

Way to go Jenny! Thank you for this post...I think your honesty is very inspirational.

And I am so happy to be doing the blogging biggest loser challenge with you! I love all of the enthusiasm around the challenge...it's such good motivation.

[Dana Leigh]

I'm wishing you good luck to help you achieve your weight loss goals. I know it's not easy to put yourself out there and write about your weight and struggles to a bunch of strangers but the support network you have is bigger than you think. Chin up and when you're down and discouraged, post a blog and I'm sure you'll get the encouragement you need!

[kim]

good luck!!! i know you can do it! i love WW.

i swear, i have gained like 10 lbs since thanksgiving... it is CRAZY how fast and easy it is to gain.

i am always here if you want to email someone! i know you have a lot of support, but i'd love to be more conscious about being healthy (well, and i need to lose this weight i've gained over the holidays), so if we could check in with each other that would be fabulous too!

love you :)

[Leslie Collins]

Yes, please keep us all posted. And YES, you can totally do it. Even if you do get a little sidetracked now and then, share. You're blog is a place to keep track of life, but it's also nice to post about stuff when you do need a little encouragement from friends near and far. :)

I have recently started doing Wii Fit because we are done having babes. Things are just in different places than they used to be and now I am ready to focus on myself a little more. When I had Reyna, I didn't care to much because my excuse was always, "well we are going to have another, so why bother??" It's not a very good excuse, but when you have a newborn, who wants to take the time to exercise.

Good luck, Jenny.

[Kristi]

Good luck Jenny! I need to lose some major weight too but I am not motivated to do anything but eat :(

[Ginger]

Biggest blogging loser is probably the most motivation I've had in years to get this weight off. Here's to 12 weeks together!

[Hope]

Good luck! I think you're beautiful already. :)

I'm making a push to lose weight before my wedding this fall (how did I let the numbers on the scale creep up that high? my mind boggles). I've actually been excited to weigh myself in the mornings and see lower numbers. I hope I can keep it up!

[Michelle Sauer]

Good for you Jenny. If only I could have the legs I had in high school and for the record, I hated my body back then too and looked awesome! What is wrong with the former us'!?!?

I too am attempting WW, for the first time and boy I'm confused but I've manage to drop 2.6 pounds already (probably mostly water weight). It just goes to show that improving your diet can really make your body happy. I feel very energetic too. It's nice to have a support system. My biggest hint is drink a lot of water. That always does wonders for me! I found some great recipes and I'll email them to you. The whole site I found is fabulous. Good luck and I hope you learn to love your body cause you really are fabulous!

[Nicole]

Jenny - You are so beautiful, both inside and out! I know that you can do this and that you are going to rock it - recognizing that you want to make a change and making a plan are the first steps and you sound like you are on the right track. I am with Gina in saying that you are brave and that I am proud of you as well!

(P.S. I highly recommend the books from the series "Eat This, Not That" for helping to make permanent diet changes. The books are great at looking at the things that we all have in our fridges and pantries and making suggestions for healthier versions (right down to which brands of ice cream and candy are better choices than others!) Reading them has also taught me a lot about making better choices about what I feed my kids, which I am hoping will put them on the right track for life.)

[Amber Ramsey]

i am with you. sooo with you. there are too many similarities in our stories.

and now i am doing points"plus" with weight watchers as well. i've been at it for several months now. while i hate to do resolutions b/c i always break them...i do hope to be carrying less weight this time next year!

i believe i can do it and i believe you can do it too!! thanks for sharing!

[beanski]

You are so brave! I'm proud of you. Keep us all posted, you can do it.

WW has always worked for me to get the weight off but it seems like the instant I start eating bread and cheese it comes right back FAST. I need to change my comfort foods and that is so hard to do permanently.

I gained a LOT of weight in college too. And then lost it all and then some. And then I had kids. And then I lost a bunch of it and felt really good. And then my dad got sick and I started eating and DRINKING. I gained back every single one of the 15 pounds I lost last year. It makes me furious. I'm going to take charge again soon. Right after vacation :) Keep posting about it...maybe I'll get motivated.