thoughts for thursday.

once again, i'm late with this.  oh well.

i know a lot of people that are pregnant right now.  quite frankly, they are all giving me baby fever.  however, matt and i have somewhat of a plan on when we want to add to our family.  with that being said...here comes my thoughts for thursday.

quite often i get asked when i'm going to have another baby.  i hate telling people because when the time comes, i would kind of like it to be a surprise to those who are close to us.  however, i doubt that will happen because when we planned to get pregnant the first time, my girlfriends threw me a huge bash that we dubbed 'the last hoorah', as it would be the last of my 'party-and-drink-all-night-long' escapades.  wow, i never knew how true that really would be.  :)  so, when people ask me now, i tell them it won't be for a while (sorry to the grandma's - i know they do not want to hear that).  matt and i are completely fine that our children will not be two years apart.  it seems a lot of people that talk to me seem to think that 'two years' is the perfect 'spread' for having kids.  i don't think it matters.  i just talked to a woman last week whose children are four years apart.  she said that having another kid actually made things easier.  lovely.

so, with that said, i had a few questions in regards to this:

1. do you get asked when you are having a baby?  whether it is your first, second...whatever?  who hounds you the most - family, friends, coworkers?
2. do you think there is a good 'spread' between kids ages?  does it even matter to you?
3. are you open to telling people when you want to get pregnant or is that something you keep to yourself?

there you have my thoughts for thursday.  other bloggers with great thoughts include: jessica, denise, emilie, and kristi.

Comments

[Jill]

HA! As a mother of an almost-2 year old, the questions are starting to come!

1. Yes, I get asked. Mostly by family and good friends, and I really don't mind as it's sometimes just a conversation starter. However, when you ask someone ONCE, make sure not to ask that same person again, just because it looks like you're being nothing but nosey.

2. I think that the spread between a couple's children is their own darn business! I've heard it all...that close in age is GREAT because then you get the diapers, bottles out of the way at the same time, blah blah blah. I've heard that a larger spread is GREAT because then you have a nice "helper" with the baby, and only one in diapers, not two. Guess what I think?? I think that everyone is going to like it the way they have it because.. (get this) they don't have a choice!!! I know I sound sarcastic, and I really don't mean to. I just feel that when it comes to when you decide to have your children, it is your own decision and it is what it is...you like it whether you wanted it that way or not!

3. I don't remember if I told people when we were trying with Gage or not. We started telling within a day of the positive pregnancy test which was at about 5 weeks. The next time, I think it will be the same. When I get really excited about something, I want to share with all that I love. I don't have anything to be excited about when we are trying because I won't know the answer yet...and won't be too excited to share!

[Ash-eee!]

1. I get asked EVER DAY it seems like, maybe because I have made it such public knowledge of how much I love kids and I cant wait to start a family of my own that people cant believe we arent yet.(Tucker is the best lil guy to hold me over though!!!)And it doesnt matter who it is, immediate family, extended family, friends, friends families, neighbors...oh wait that is my family!!!!haha!!
2.I dont really think there is an "ideal" age spread. Whatever happens - happens!!! I do love the 1.5 years between me and my sister.....we didnt always see eye to eye, but now that we are older I am glad we are close in age!!!
3.Obviously I dont mind people knowing that I want to start a family, but the more and more time that goes by and the more people that ask, I have just found it easier to say we are just practicing right now....I think it is easier on everyone if you dont make it public knowledge in the event of a miscarriage and what not. I wouldnt want the whole world knowing that I was pregnant and then have to have all those akward conversations of "how are you doing" "are you ok" etc......

[Robyn]

1. I used to get asked when I was having another, but most people know we're not having anymore, sigh.
2. My thinking was at least 2 yrs. Get the first one potty trained before the 2nd one got there.
3. I didn't and wouldn't put it out there that I was trying.

[michelle]

1. We would always get hounded after each milestone. Marriage, a birth, another birth, etc. The current ones apparently weren't enough. My mom hounded us the most, I think. But, it's a question everyone asks just out of pure curiousity or for the lack of something else to say.

2. I think the perfect amount between kids is 1 year! Just kidding. I don't think there is a right amount of time. I think it's what you are comfortable with. For us, it's less time, rather than more. We like the distance, or lack thereof I guess you could say. I wouldn't do it any other way.

3. I was pretty open about it to close friends and family. But, really do random acquaintances really need to know about your sex life? That's pretty much what you are talking about, ultimately.

[Nicole]

1. Do you get asked when you are having a baby? whether it is your first, second...whatever? Who hounds you the most - family, friends, coworkers?

Hmm... I don't remember getting asked when we'd have our first child. We started trying about 2.5 years into our marriage. Our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and when people learned of that (we were pretty open about what was going on), they obviously knew we were trying to expand our family. We got pregnant very quickly with Porter, so there wasn't really any time for people to ask. I don't remember anyone really asking about us having a second... maybe a few close friends asked, but nothing that was ever annoying. I probably was the one who brought up the "second child" topic anyhow, as we were him-hawing about the decision for awhile (Ryan was on board for #2 by the time Porter was 14 months old, but I wasn't convinced I was ready until he was about 18 months old.. about 3 weeks before we conceived HAHA!)

2. Do you think there is a good 'spread' between kids ages? Does it even matter to you?

Well, I'm not sure how the "spread" between Porter and Hudson will be... I'll let you know in a few months! As far as my experience with age spans... I am 3 years older than my sister and while we played together great when we were little, we aren't close at all now that we're adults. We're just two totally different people. My brother and I are 9 years apart and I feel that has its plusses and minuses. I honestly think it depends on the kids, to tell you the truth... my brother and I used to be really close (more of a "parental" relationship than a "friend" relationship, though) and now that he's a teenager we're not that close. I think once he's a little older (in his 20's) we'll be close again.

Now... I used to babysit for a family who had 3 kids, all exactly 18 months apart. I watched them from even before the youngest was born, so at one point I was watching an infant, an 18month old and a 3 year old. I loved LOVED loved their age span once they were a tad older. I always wanted my kids that close.

Another family I nannied for had two girls that were 2.5 years apart and that was a great span as well. I watched them until Porter was a year and a half old and I loved having a 1 year old, 4 year old and 7 year old in tow. It was a perfect age spacing, and I think if we have a third we'll shoot for our last to be around 3-4 years younger than Hudson.

3. Are you open to telling people when you want to get pregnant or is that something you keep to yourself?

I think I vaguely referred to us beginning to plan for a second on my blog... I never made any announcement that we for sure were trying, but I think I hinted a bit about wanting another. We never really told family, but I think a few close friends knew we were trying. It happened really quickly for us, so again, there wasn't a lot of time for people to begin asking questions.

[Playful Professional]

I've been married for about a year and a half, and I get the question whether I'm going to have kids soon from friends a lot, but most of them are just asking because they like to keep up with my life. None of them really pressure me, neither does my family. I think that when we decide to have kids, we'll probably tell people but maybe not the exact plan. I haven't figured it out yet exactly, but sometimes I think people have kids because of the pressure others put on them, and I hate that.

[MrsPop]

I get asked ALL the time! Mine is 4 and a half and we have no plans to have another even though I feel my uterus twinge every now and then with the thought.

I get asked mainly by friends and co-workers, mostly the ones pregnant with their second or third. They always seem offended when I say I'm "one and done." Like it's a personal affront to them and their choices. Trust me, my choices have nothing to do with anyone but me, my husband, and the son I already have and adore!

Quite frankly, it is nobody's damn business how many children I have and the more I get asked the more defensive I get! Of course, I choose how I react, but still! It gets tiresome!

[Denise H.]

I thought that I had my life planned out so well. I was supposed to have my first child at age 25. Didn't happen... I was single and then my next child at 27. Didn't happen... I was single but dating my hubby. And then my last at age 29. Didn't happen I was married but unable to get pregnant.

People rarely ask us when we are having a baby anymore. They used to ask like Crazy but now that most of our close friends and family know our situation and that we have been unable to get pregnant for the past 2 1/2 years they have backed off. Although there are those people that ask over and over even when they know that we have had such a hard time. Don't they know how hard it is on me and I hate having to say that we haven't been able to get pregnant because then I get all of their ideas and remedies on what I should be doing. I feel like saying "Did I ask for your Advice or Opinion?"

Although I think that 2 years apart would be Great. My sister and I were 3 years apart and have been very close.

[Sarah S.]

1. We are not asked too often when we're having another one. When my husband's coworker announced he and his wife were expecting, another coworker told Brian "it's about time you have another one isn't it?" other than that, the most we've been asked was at Christmas with my side of the family.

2. We thought the first two kids should be around 2 years apart but we wanted Matthew to be at least 2 when the birth took place. Then, if there are any more after that, there may be a slightly larger gap in age between #2 and #3. I do not like big gaps though since I am 7 years younger than my closest sibling.

3. I do not like to announce when we plan on adding. The most I've said in the past was we knew when we wanted to start trying but didn't give any more details. I don't want to add to the pressure to get pregnant with a bunch of people asking how it's going, and because we plan on waiting to announce our pregnancy with the next one.

[Jan]

Love Tucker's photo today. Like your Mom, I'm no longer having children. Me, if I got pregnant, now, it'd be medical history.

Bob and I waited 4 years for our first child, it was planned that way. When ever any one asked my Dad, when he was going to be a Granddad, he told them, "they're still practicing." We really loved practicing, and finally got it right. Our second came 24 months later, and that was perfect for us. Both of my daughters has their first with in the first year of marriage. One had her second in 3 years, and one has an only child. Both are equally happy with the decision. I think that's the secret, be happy with your decision.

[jenny's mom/Tucker's gram]

first of all i just love "wrapped up in you", tomorrow he can be wrapped up by me, i can't wait to see him and all my other kiddies!
when i had jenny, no one had a chance to ask when are you having children, she was born 6 days before our 9 month anniversary, go figure....she was concieved in Canada. then while on birth control (IUD) i got pregnant for my son, they removed the IUD as soon as they found out i was pregnant and they told me to be ready to miscarry. i did not loose my precious cargo and am so glad today to have both of my children 22 months apart. jenny was potty trained before her brother was born so that was cool! we had planned to wait 4 years to even have children, but it didn't work out that way and to this day i wouldn't have it any other way :). i don't pressure the kids about their family, at least i don't think i do. they know that i absouloutly love being a gramma so when they are ready i will be waiting :)

[heather]

Well, the first time around was a surprise to everyone (including us) just two months after our wedding, so there was never any time for the question before that... the second time around, I think I remember a few people asking/hinting around, but never really straight out and I just replied "one of these days..." to keep it kind of vague. My sister in law knew we were "not preventing" at that point, but she's really the only one I remember talking about it with much. But also, maybe we were kind of on the early side? I think 2 yrs is probably the time people start wondering... and I got pregnant again before that (Savannah was 21 months when I got pregnant).

My kids are exactly 2.5 yrs apart and for me that's perfect. I wanted them close enough in age to enjoy each other when they were little... to be able to play together and somewhat be on the same page... I didn't want 4-5+ more years between them. I lived with/nannied for two kids that were four years apart and I just felt like that was too much space... By the time the younger was a toddler who could really play, the older was turning into a "big kid" who had no interest in playing younger stuff.
My only requirement as far as spacing was that I didn't want two "babies" at the same time. I didn't want two kids in cribs, to have to have a double stroller, etc. So as long as my kid would be in a bed, hopefully potty trained and didn't "need" a stroller, I was open to whatever spacing happened.

It also depends on the kid. When Savannah was 19/20 months old she was at a point where I knew we would be ready. I knew that in another 10 months we'd move nicely into a bigger family. Now when Sawyer was 19/20 I found myself thinking, "this is the same time we were thinking about getting pregnant again last time..." and there's no way I was ready for it again. Sawyer at now almost 2.5 is a totally different kid than Savannah was at this age. I can't even imagine adding a newborn to the mix now! I know it would work out fine if that's how we chose to try it, but it would be a lot of work!!

One more thing (and then I'll quit rambling!): here's my take on the "another kid makes things easier" thing...
The first year kind of sucks. Well, mostly the first 6 months for me. I knew two kids would be hard, but it was HARD. But once you get past that, once you figure out what you're doing, how to balance things, once the baby gets out of the highest unpredictability/highest maintenance, then it does get easier.
Even though there's harder things about having a two year old AND a four year old, really for me, it is easier than it was just having a two year old by herself. The older one helps more, they play together, they entertain each other, the younger one seems to be more independent faster, and it all in general just seems to work easier.

[Anne]

I get hounded with the "oh, when are you going to try for a BOY?" when they find out I have three girls. "It would be a medical miracle.' I assure them warily.

2. The only problem with the 2 year spread, which is what we basically have, is that there is a lot lot help from the other tow since you may still have to wipe additional butts as you wipe the infants. Not cool.

3. I didn't really talk about it until I was pregnant each time. Too many people I know are having fertility problems and that is just not a nice thing to broadcast. It's not sensitive.

[Kim]

1. do you get asked when you are having a baby? yep, just got asked by a coworker yesterday! i think it's mostly friends that ask. our parents wouldn't ask i don't think... they never asked before max was born either, actually i think they were shocked we decided to have a baby after only 3 years of marriage because i always said it would be 5. :)

2. do you think there is a good 'spread' between kids ages? i think that for the most part, it'll work out and you'll be glad and think you have it the best! :) i know someone who was pregnant when her baby was 4 months old, and she says while it was hard when they were babies, now she LOVES how extremely close they are and wouldn't have it any other way. personally, i am hoping for about 2.5 years apart because i've always liked the spacing between my sister and me. i think there are pluses and minuses about any 'spread'.

3. are you open to telling people when you want to get pregnant or is that something you keep to yourself? right now i just say 'maybe next year.' but i'm in the camp of not announcing when we're trying, and not announcing a pregnancy until it's 2-3 months in. so i probably wouldn't say anything more specific than that. :)

[stacy]

1.before i had emily the family asked me all the time when we were going to have a baby. of course, they didn't know that we were trying and that i had lost two already. it was very difficult to have to tell them "someday", now they don't ask about a second cause they all know now how hard the first one was.
2.everyone tells me 2 years also, but i don't think it matters, me and my first brother were 4 years apart and we got along and still get along great.
3.we didn't tell people that we were trying, it's just easier that way, no pressure to get the 'bun in the oven' as fast as you can, although trying sure is fun :)

[jessica]

another kid making things "easier"? i'd love to know her secret.

1. i don't really get 'hounded' but i do get asked the question. my mom knows better than to ask. i'd say my slightly younger friends, who are still in their beginning babymaking stages.

2. well, if i were to pick, from experience and from observation, i would say about four years would be nice. i'm not one of those people who think "hell, what's another one in diapers" or "i want my kids close" -- i think that if you have your kids really, really close in age (and no offense to those who do, good for you) - you can get so caught up in taking care of small children that they don't really get 'individual' time with you. don't flame me for this, people. i am just giving my opinion. i love the gap between my kids although i would have made it slightly smaller. i was an only child for almost eight years before we adopted my brother. that seemed fine to me! ha ha. we've talked of having another one, and it's certainly not for sure, but since i'm not getting any younger and don't want to be categorized as a "geriatric pregnancy", it would be not super far down the road...but the little one must be out of diapers before i even want to conceive :) ok that was a lot of rambling!

3. i don't have a strong opinion either way, i'd say though that if you don't want people to hound you "you preggo yet?" - don't tell them you're trying ;)